


I'll Never Be Fine

by RottenVelvet



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash tried to help in the end, Depressed Eiji, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 10:31:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18164048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RottenVelvet/pseuds/RottenVelvet
Summary: He tried his best to stay strong. He tried his best to not let anyone knows about this.





	I'll Never Be Fine

_ Life would be better without me. _

_ I’d rather kill myself than breathing. _

_ Gosh, I’m a burden. _

 

My mind has been telling me those words everyday. Everyday, every single time, without stopping.

I wish suicide was easy but ahahaha I’m such a coward. Back then I always thought nobody really cares about me. I would rather die.

 

I tried to kill myself. I tried to jump off the roof, I tried to drown myself, but I backed away from them. All because I was a coward. I still am.

 

There is also another reason why I didn’t decide to end my life yet.  _ Ash.  _

I love him so much and he loves me too. He needs me and I need him. I can’t let him go yet. I need to stay strong. We’ve been through a lot. We’re being chased by Foxx. Of course I can’t leave just yet. Ash needs me for strength and moral support. I’m here, loving him and supporting him.

 

_ I’m better off dead. _

_ If I died, Griffin and Shorter… would’ve been alive.  _

_ If I died, Ash would’ve found a beautiful partner instead of a crippled boyfriend. _

_ If only I was there to take the bullets, Skip would’ve been alive. _

_ If I died, mother would have extra money. _

_ Everyone’s life will be better without me. _

 

I stared at pieces of broken glasses in our hideout. Ash is away with his boys, planning an attack towards Foxx. I’m not included in the meeting, thank god.

I took one of the shards. I’ve used this once when I was at Yut Lung’s. I pointed the glass on his neck before.

I know how sharp the glass can be. Maybe I can slit my throat with this?

No… Not now. Ash needs me. I can’t do this. Not yet.

 

_ But the urge is so strong. Death can fixes everything. If I die, Ash doesn’t has anyone to protect anymore. I’m a burden to him. _

 

No. I’m his support.

_ You’re lying to yourself _

I’m not lying! He loves me. I can protect him too!

_ You couldn’t even kill Dino. _

Shut up!! 

 

I squeezed the glass in my hand, letting blood dropped on the floor. The pain… It somehow makes me feel… Calm. Maybe… Just maybe… If I do this, will my suicidal thoughts go away?

 

I rolled up my left sleeve.

This not gonna hurts a lot, right? This is close to suicide, right?

 

* * *

 

“Eiji.”

 

I opened my eyes to see Ash looking down at me. “Why are you sleeping on the floor?” Ash asked. I sit up and rub my eyes. “Tired…” I said with a yawn. Ash chuckled and grinned at me, “You’re such a baby. Come on.” Ash holds my left arm. I winced at his touch. He didn’t grab me that hard but it’s painful.

 

I pulled my arm away. “That hurts.” I pouted. “But I didn’t grab you hard… What? Are you fragi--” Before he could finishes his words, his eyes opened wide as he looks at my arm. It’s bleeding.

 

He quickly rolls my sleeve up. His hands are trembling. I look at my arm… Right. I did this. “Why?” He said with a growl. I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what to tell him. “I knew. I should’ve sent you Japan.” Anger rises in me, “Stop blaming yourself! I did this to myself! It was  _ me. _ ” I yelled at him. “B-But why? I bet it’s because of the situation we’re in--”

 

“No it’s not!!” I yelled again. “Then, why? You’re always so cheerful, positive--” Ash stops. “... Eiji. Were you hiding all this time?” Ash asks, his face looks really sad. It hurts me to see him like this. “Yes. I don’t see the point of telling anyone. I don’t see the point of finding help. I don’t see the point in anything. I’m too scared to kill myself. I tried twice but I chickened out.” I said, not looking at him. “All started before I came here. Remember when Ibe-san said I was depressed? There you go.” I continued. 

 

Ash pulls me into a hug.  _ I don’t want this.  _ “You should’ve told me. You helped me when I was having my episodes, now I want to help you!”  _ Shut up, Ash. I feel bad right now. _ “Eiji, please!” I pushed him away and give him a soft smile, “I’m fine.” I’ll be fine.  _ No, I’m not going to. _

 

_ I will never be fine. I just want to die.  _

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what to write for the ending but of course Ash will try to help Eiji BUT THEN THERE'S JACKASS FOXX. 
> 
> Anyway please don't kill me for this. I've been seeing some fanfics about Eiji dealing with depression and I can totally see that after reading Fly Boy In The Sky. 
> 
> I hope this doesn't end up sounding a bit meh or something because I lowkey self-projected my feelings in this oof.
> 
> Eiji needs a hug.


End file.
